In this post I have used the name April as my birth name, I identified as agender at this point but hadn’t come out to anyone.
Sadly this post is very scary but completely real. This happened earlier this year during my lowest point, writing about it has helped me process what happened and I urge you not to worry as I have come so far from here. I will just put a trigger warning, this is about very severe paranoia. Thank you for reading.
Matt was visiting again, he was sat on the other sofa, legs apart leaning forward and hands together, frowning slightly. Normally he was the calm one, telling me about mindfulness and making me do yet another chain analysis, but not today. He was bringing up hospitals before I decided to ignore him. I started scanning the room in an urgent kind of way, I was looking for weapons.
I could feel my parents perched on the edge of the sofa burning a hole in my vision. My eyes moved quickly, catching on only a few items. A piece of art with a shiny layer of glass over it, a teddy that was hopefully dense enough and some discs… easily broken.
The art wasn’t for looking at, it was for smashing. The teddy was for suffocating and the discs for stabbing. I knew my parents had already spotted them and could almost feel them plotting against me. I told myself it had to be done, I had to kill them first. It was a race.
Matt interrupted, ‘You need to talk to me April.’
‘She’s looking for something to use against us.’
I grinned. A proper one, eyes crinkling as a smile grew on my face. I heard Lola’s voice in my head saying I needed to tell Matt what I was doing. Although I never acknowledged she was ‘just a hallucination’ I did know at this point.
I spoke slowly and articulately as I told them what I’d go for first and looked over to where they were. The thoughts that occur only now is that I didn’t recognise my own voice and it really terrified me. Who was I?! Was I still April? Was I actually able to kill my own parents? Actually anyone for the matter, was I capable of murder?
But in the moment my thoughts were clearly separated from screaming voices, I was set. Inside I was rocking and pacing and shaking, yet on the outside I was oddly calm and in control, something almost believable until my random laughs and smiles at the screams I heard in my head. Their cruelty entertained me.
Then the sequence of events started as my mum started to slowly approach the poker I had said I was going for, as if she was trying not to scare a small animal. I was ready.
I lurched towards it and picked it up. It was heavy and felt out of place in my hands but I didn’t stop. I pointed it at my mum’s stomach before it was ripped out of my hands. I saw my dad knock the light bulb out of reach and clasped my wrists tightly.
I kicked and punched and even tried to bite as I fell to the floor twisting and squirming. I heard Matt’s concerned but quiet voice tell me to stop. I didn’t. Couldn’t he see what was happening?!
But it wasn’t that. It was so so much worse. The next words he spoke gave me strength to break free and run into the corner of the room, letting the inside of me be presented as I curled up and rocked myself and talked to the voices…
‘Do you need my help?’ he asked my parents.