Hello 2016, goodbye 2015

Welcome to 2016

First, a little observation I have made.

New Years Eve is meant to feel magical. It’s the time to be with the people you love, the only night younger kids can stay up till midnight to count down the last 10 seconds of the year. Some people have fireworks, my family had lanterns that slowly floated away, shining through the darkness until they disappeared from sight.

I did not have that kind of new years eve. I was tired, almost knocked out even, as my medication had clashed with the very little I had to drink. I was also worried, very worried. I spent a lot of the evening talking a close friend out of suicide and really just couldn’t feel even the tiniest bit of happiness or content when the lanterns drifted away, lighting up the sky. No. To me they were lights, too bright yet too dull, a mistake in the sky, a big yellow star that got smaller and smaller.

I haven’t been phased by my not so amazing new years eve, but I’m certainly one to think positively and I’d like to take advantage of the time of year and use it to selfishly list all my achievements and good things, amongst the bad things I have got through, and then also some goals for this year.

I left mainstream school this year. Despite it being a very big step it was very necessary and the right decision. From this I have gained so so much…
  • The ability to learn again since starting at a special school early 2015
  • Made new friends at this school and found trust in teachers once again
  • Got through the issue of not being able to write. I now can and do regularly 🙂
  • Also started to get back into art, this time in the media of water colours
  • Found new TV programs that I watched on my more difficult mental illness days, my favourite being ‘Harrow: A Very British school’
  • I got a job that I enjoy and am valued in
  • Had enough spare time to meet with a family friend R most weeks and also met M through her
  • Something small but big, not being at school meant I could no longer skip lunch, so I have managed to eat lunch all year!
Other good things and achievements, both big and small…
  • Starting DBT was a huuge positive and has helped me massively. Through this I have met and bonded with some very special people, including L, K, J and H.
  • Realised who I am (with the help and support of my friends)
  • The good times when I got to see my old school friends
  • The time I went to my friend’s house and we drank tea and watched Les Mis in our onesies.
  • Centre parcs with my family and uncle and aunty, there was an awesome ride there called the tornado
  • Christmas time at my dad’s
  • My birthday celebrations
  • The fact that I’ve managed to shower more frequently as self care is extremely difficult at the moment
  • Actually completing my diary card for my individual therapist
  • My individual therapist being really proud of me
  • People in general being proud of me
  • Continuing gaining weight so I’m healthy and don’t have any vulnerabilities because of being underweight
  • All the times I managed to leave the house

I have truly been through a lot this year and am proud of myself for getting through extreme paranoia (read My Lowest Point), distressing episodes, painfully low lows and times when I thought there was no hope.

However, I’d like to put that behind me. Not shove it away all at once but slowly start to move on as I’ve found that’s the way I have to do it. So I shall leave you will some goals…

1. Exercise more. I need to get fitter and I find I become quite obsessive when it comes to food so I feel like starting out with a few walks a week and then slowly introducing going back to the gym should work out well.

2. Socialise more. I am a lot more stable than I was last year so would like to use this opportunity to do ‘normal teenager things’.

3. Be more confident being me. Correct people when they don’t call me Liam or don’t say he/him. Also try and accept myself.

So, those are my 3 main goals, I’d love to know how your new years eve went and if you have any goals.

Liam 🙂

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