On Tuesday I returned to school and work. It’s been a good thing mainly, always having something to do, having some structure to the day. But I found that as I came into contact with more and more people calling me my birth name, my gender dysphoria is now worse than ever.
When I get bad in this way, I always find some way to cope, whether that’s writing or talking to someone, or sitting in my room placing my hair in one of my many hats.
Today I have done some writing that I thought I’d share. It’s something I may one day get my mum to read.
So here we go, some free-hand writing, unedited…
To my mother.
For all the times you have told me ‘it’s just a phase’
Or this ‘might just be another one of those… things’,
Let me tell you something.
I have spent my entire life feeling wrong.
People telling me to ‘just be myself’,
Well that, yeah, that meant nothing.
I felt as though ‘being human’ was an alien concept.
A big alien that you really can’t miss,
Just like my body when I caught a glance of myself in a mirror
I used to starve myself just to achieve the figure I felt right in
To only realise now
The reason I felt right was because I had lost my curves
I looked more like a boy.
Now I understand things like
Why I never saw myself being a mother,
Why I felt like the elephant in the room that was covered in an invisibility cloak,
Why I watched all those videos about transitioning so intentedly
Despite not knowing the reason was.
Well the reason is
The only person listening to your words:
That this is just a phase,
And when I die
I will die a boy.
I will die a boy unaccepted by his own mother.
Just think, maybe consider,
This isn’t just a phase.