Breaking the Cycle

Last Thursday I put myself in danger. My individual therapist and mum got me through that day alive, although ultimately I was the one that kept myself safe.

Once I was out of the immediate danger there was a circle of thoughts in my head that I knew would just lead to my next crisis. I knew I needed support but the people I tried reaching out to didn’t really respond and it made me feel isolated and invalidated which just lead onto more intense feelings of unworthiness.

So, it was Friday night and I decided to message BrinConvenient on tumblr. I’ve been in contact with her for a while and found it so easy to talk to her because in my eyes she’s a responsible adult figure who understands trans issues and has experience and I feel like I know she won’t ever abandon me. I could tell her how I was feeling without feeling the need to add an ‘but it’ll be okay’ on the end.

She said the perfect thing that has become a help long term as well as short term and I’d like to share it as I think this will help others…

No one has ever been you before, and no one else is ever going to be you again

In all this universe, you are the only you and no one else can do it. I think that’s amazing

And I think it’s amazing that a 14 billion year old universe grew from nothing into this infinite space, stars were born, died and reborn and all of the infinite atoms and particles and molecules were formed, destroyed and rebuilt just so that on this tiny blue planet, orbiting this non-descript average star, you could be born, live and learn and all of humanity has come together to create the circumstances where you could talk to me, two people who couldn’t have met under any other circumstances, and we can have this conversation across an ocean that kept humans apart for millennia.

You’re damn special, kiddo.

 

My mind was suddenly opened up and I saw the world in that moment as something wonderful instead of a place filled with demons and hurt. It made me feel special and amazed. It was what I needed. It kind of shocked me out of the downwards spiral, breaking the cycle.

I said something along the lines of ‘you did it, you made me matter… actually no. maybe I mattered the whole time and you reminded me. You can guess what she said in response.

Thank you for reading,
See you soon,

Liam 🙂

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