Over the years I have been semi-given (CAMHS never like to do things officially when it comes to this) A LOT of diagnoses. Words have popped up and appeared once, twice or a hundred times, despite how irrelevant and random they sounded.
This is a very emotionally charged piece of writing, my normal style is quite factual but this felt just as natural to write so I’ve just gone with it.
A NEW DIAGNOSIS.
First though: oh crap.
This one has baffled me and I’ve found it very insulting and invalidating because of its name. It was briefly mentioned during an appointment referring to me having an ’emerging — personality disorder’ (I’d rather keep the name of it private for now).
Firstly, I was yet again never told of this new diagnosis, in fact it probably wasn’t even new. I feel like I have been shoved into a group I don’t feel I fit many of the symptoms of. I feel like they’ve essentially gone ‘hmmm, he has SO many mental illnesses its CLEARLY a problem with his entire personality!’
Thank you for telling me my little sense of self I have is a DISORDER.
Hopping onto the train of thought the journey went something like this (in true dramatic Liam style)…
My life is a disorder? I need treatment for the flaws in my personality? And there are a lot of flaws? Like all of me is a flaw?
Okay so clearly they’re all assumptions and judgements and my first emotion was shame and then anger. Anger because I’ve been put in yet another group filled with ‘problems’ that will effect my whole life. I just wanted to scream out ‘I AM ALREADY TRANSGENDER do I not get anything ‘normal’ about me?!’
I’m never one to dwell on feelings like that and feel sorry myself simply because I never have the time or energy and its actually just not who I am. In all honesty I feel like I deserve a lot of what I struggle with. Technically I know of course NO ONE deserves mental illness, or any illness really. But in those dark moments when bad thoughts are circling in my head and voices shouting at me from all sides, its then that those core beliefs are more set in stone than ever.
However, with all that being said, I have had some help (especially from a beautiful and lovely fighter F) and I have managed to try to look at this diagnosis in a more positive light.
-> Being diagnosed helps you get the correct treatment… (or as F puts nicely I will get tailored help towards symptoms)
-> …Which I’m already getting and it’s helping so things there are looking good
-> Also as its just an emerging personality disorder and I can actually avoid the official diagnosis if the therapy is effective
-> It can help people understand why you can’t cope with certain things and therapists know what to look out for to suggest you’re getting iller again
And lastly, something that I’ve had repeated to me time and time again from the people I talked to is that although this feels like an attack on me as a person, it’s an illness and it isn’t me and definitely doesn’t define me.
Remember that with ALL diagnoses. I’ll end this post with an informative page on personality disorders if you are curious about them.
Look after yourselves,