All aboard the Train of Thought

Hi guys.

Today’s post will be short and sweet and will require you to hop into this time machine and take you back to Sunday 6th March 2016 on 3 different trains of thought …


All aboard the Train of Thought

The 6th March 2016 marks 2 years with CAMHS, something worth reflecting on but not to be dwelled upon. It’s a day in 2014 that I remember very clearly, even without the writing I did that night, the first entry in ‘April’s Diary’. It contained words that spoke of tragic and horrible things, but were so normal to write even then. I was so ill, but over the 2 years I’ve got iller in ways I never could have imagined. It’s true to say I’ve come far, and something I never consider enough is how well CAMHS have helped support me on my rocky journey…

I put myself under a lot of pressure to make Mother’s day this year AMAZING. For the past few years, the days dedicated to celebrating my mum have turned out pretty awfully, and usually a large part of that was due to my mental illness. My mum’s birthday for the last 2 years have been particularly bad, they just happened to be during the most prominent days of my more severe psychosis which was truly traumatic for my entire family.

This year I have been in a much more stable place, even if I haven’t quite been ‘stable’.  I got to spend a perfect day with her and my brothers and sister, starting the day with church and ending it with Call the Midwife.

That evening whilst watching a film and then Call the Midwife, I was frantically trying to get a very special piece of writing done, it was to be posted on tumblr that day to start off my little project to help spread awareness. You can see the post here. It contains appropriate trigger warnings and a more detailed insight into what that ‘severe psychosis’ was for me.


So, with that recollection of some of the things that were going through my mind on Sunday, I will leave you. Thank you for reading and I will see you soon.

Liam 🙂

Spreading Awareness

On March 1st, it was self harm awareness day. Although I don’t always participate in mental illness awareness days I do love how its a great reason to get talking about such taboo topics. I do tend to gravitate towards psychosis awareness especially, however, I have never felt able to contribute because I don’t feel comfortable sharing my story.

As if that’s the only way you can spread awareness?!

Clearly I’d made an assumption that the only way to spread awareness was an obvious in-your-face kind of way like posting on your facebook profile about it. When I actually thought about it I realised there’s actually a lot of different ways I can help with fighting the stigma and you can too.

**Quickly an important thing to note. The one rule when spreading mental illness awareness is to put yourself first, and by that I mean only do what you are comfortable and okay with. It fits well with my recent realisation that going into group for the next module I need to walk in ready to focus on MY recovery, not helping everyone else. You always need to put yourself first when mental illness is in the equation.**

Things you can do to spread awareness…

•Share your own journey
•Show support to others who are sharing their journeys with a simple like, comment or share
•Share links or like pages that are for people affected by mental illnesses. Mind, b-eat and the voice collective are ones I’ve put out there for others to explore
•Post on awareness days (find out WHEN there are awareness days)
•Talk about mental illness with people, start conversations about it
•Stand up for people being discriminated against
•Raise money for charities supporting people affected by mental illnesses

Those are some things from big to small, never think you cant make a difference. Something I will be doing soon is sharing a part of my journey on tumblr anonymously. I want to reassure other people suffering from psychosis or schizophrenia that it is okay to fit the negative stereotype and we are not bad people because of what our illnesses have caused us to do.

Tomorrow I hope to post again as it will be the 6th March, a very special date that I would like to write about and reflect on some things (with it also being mothers day so do excuse me if I don’t manage to find time!)

Hope you are all well and enjoying yourselves,

Liam 🙂

Perfectionism

Hello friends!

I have emerged from my hibernation (although ironically I am in bed right now). Not at the best of times either, I am currently very unwell however whilst my body is slowing down my mind is still as frantic as usual, so writing has been my creative output of ILLNESS. Ew.

A lot has happened in this month whilst I’ve been absent, and I have desperately wanted to write about it all, however I’m just not able to finish anything and be happy with it. Obviously my perfectionistic self is the main cause for that, so no point trying to blame anything on business etc.

My individual therapist has been trying to get me to delve deeper into that part of me as its a very big problem for me. A year ago my fear of failure and low self esteem meant I couldn’t physically write. Especially when it came to creative writing, copying things off the board was manageable but anything I couldn’t do ‘correctly’ wasn’t done at all.

Over the year the things that have helped are things like identifying the core beliefs that are linked to perfectionism, and what caused them. Just becoming more self aware is all you need to do at first, realising that you are being very very harsh on yourself and what you aren’t able to do because of it. For example any achievements were dismissed as not good enough, no matter what the score. AND even getting full marks didn’t give me the huge sense of pride I thought I’d feel, I in fact felt numb.

After acknowledging, the next step for me was thinking (and bare with me as this isn’t simple), maybe I can say to myself that maybe its okay. I actually think I started off with a lot more maybe’s but at least that example makes sense. Basically, starting off even just considering that…

•Perfection doesn’t exist
•I don’t need to be perfect
•I am good enough
•Mistakes don’t make me a failure

Whatever applies, try to think it in your head as much as you can, imagine you being your own cheerleader!

Despite me having done all this and it helping a lot I am still a perfectionist to this day, however it is something I am finding I can live beside. When it comes to school work I enjoy it thoroughly now, I’m still in the process of learning how to feel proud of myself but I can share my achievements and celebrate them! I even write for fun and have this blog and LOVE IT!!! When anorexia starts to take control again I tell myself I must fight it because I know I will never ever achieve the ‘perfection’ I seek and will ultimately die trying.

I’m back into being involved with the ED recovery community (which does have its pros and cons) as I recognised I had been relapsing and was in denial, but basically I wanted to mention a term that’s used a lot that I think should be used in ALL mental illness battles.

Its #recoverywin

So, I will leave you all on the note that from small things to big things, all achievements are a win and you can celebrate it!

Stay safe everyone, I’ll be back soon…

Liam 🙂