I have emerged from my hibernation (although ironically I am in bed right now). Not at the best of times either, I am currently very unwell however whilst my body is slowing down my mind is still as frantic as usual, so writing has been my creative output of ILLNESS. Ew.
A lot has happened in this month whilst I’ve been absent, and I have desperately wanted to write about it all, however I’m just not able to finish anything and be happy with it. Obviously my perfectionistic self is the main cause for that, so no point trying to blame anything on business etc.
My individual therapist has been trying to get me to delve deeper into that part of me as its a very big problem for me. A year ago my fear of failure and low self esteem meant I couldn’t physically write. Especially when it came to creative writing, copying things off the board was manageable but anything I couldn’t do ‘correctly’ wasn’t done at all.
Over the year the things that have helped are things like identifying the core beliefs that are linked to perfectionism, and what caused them. Just becoming more self aware is all you need to do at first, realising that you are being very very harsh on yourself and what you aren’t able to do because of it. For example any achievements were dismissed as not good enough, no matter what the score. AND even getting full marks didn’t give me the huge sense of pride I thought I’d feel, I in fact felt numb.
After acknowledging, the next step for me was thinking (and bare with me as this isn’t simple), maybe I can say to myself that maybe its okay. I actually think I started off with a lot more maybe’s but at least that example makes sense. Basically, starting off even just considering that…
•Perfection doesn’t exist
•I don’t need to be perfect
•I am good enough
•Mistakes don’t make me a failure
Whatever applies, try to think it in your head as much as you can, imagine you being your own cheerleader!
Despite me having done all this and it helping a lot I am still a perfectionist to this day, however it is something I am finding I can live beside. When it comes to school work I enjoy it thoroughly now, I’m still in the process of learning how to feel proud of myself but I can share my achievements and celebrate them! I even write for fun and have this blog and LOVE IT!!! When anorexia starts to take control again I tell myself I must fight it because I know I will never ever achieve the ‘perfection’ I seek and will ultimately die trying.
I’m back into being involved with the ED recovery community (which does have its pros and cons) as I recognised I had been relapsing and was in denial, but basically I wanted to mention a term that’s used a lot that I think should be used in ALL mental illness battles.
So, I will leave you all on the note that from small things to big things, all achievements are a win and you can celebrate it!
Stay safe everyone, I’ll be back soon…