I have felt and been vulnerable throughout my life, and the most meaningful results of this have always been negative. I have been punished and faced scary consequences and had to look at my pain head on. The vulnerability is hard and makes me feel unsafe.
I’m trying to rewrite that link. Dissociation has kept me ‘safe’ from feeling vulnerable. Going into therapy and not really connecting to the words I was saying, like explaining my suicide plan with a smile on my face as if I was talking about my favourite film.
My current psychologist I am seeing privately. I see her once or twice and month and am lucky and privileged enough to have a mum who will and is able to pay for it. She does psychotherapy which is a lot of thinking and reflecting. In comparison to other therapies like CBT and DBT, it is without structure. I cannot learn how to do it correctly and perfectly. I have to go through my days and think and reflect constantly, with the hope that things will start to pull together.
When I had my first appointment with her, it was apparent I have been programmed by professionals and CAMHS to talk about my ‘illness’ using medical terms like ‘childhood trauma’ and ‘psychosis’ and ‘dissociation’. She talks about how me using those words I am separating myself from their meaning. She wants me to talk about my experiences, not medical conditions.
I have found it hard. I have disagreed with her. These words I have used summarise best what I struggle with. Hearing voices, visual hallucinations, paranoid thoughts and obsessions, delusions fuelled by mania. Those are my experiences, but even then that’s not enough. I feel like she prods and pokes me for 50 mins to make me really look at myself. Look at myself to see who I am, without the labels professionals have stuck on me. But there is conflict in my head, to an extent I identify with those labels and I don’t understand why that is a bad thing.
What is wrong with naming my abnormal struggles. The complexity is so hard to explain with words, it having a name helps so much. Gives a meaning to what I’ve gone through.
I tried to rewrite my introduction to her. I started off good she said, when I talked about me and what I enjoy and want to do with my life. Where things started to go wrong, what was at the route of all that. She said that was going back to medical conditions. I don’t know how to make it better. I can’t learn to do this right, I have to actually do it right. There is no perfecting in psychotherapy. Only making genuine and slow progress.
Thank you for reading this very open blog post. Posting this is making me feel vulnerable, but I think that’s exactly what I need to challenge. See you next time.